I never could have imagined how difficult it would be to become a mother... or should I say to become the mother I expect myself to be. After two years of trying to become a mother I learned so much and had so many ideas on what I would do as a mother. In many ways I'm so very grateful for that difficult period in my life as it gave me the time to find my path in the parenting world. I learned about gentle parenting, about midwives and natural living. God certainly had a plan for me and now I count myself as one lucky woman.
Then, I had my beautiful baby girl and I took a year off of school to be with my sweet angel. In that year, we shared both laughs and tears together. We sold the home Berdaddy and I bought in the city and moved to our new and more spacious family home in a beautiful town in the country. Our forever home, if you will. I grew my photography business by leaps and bounds in that year, capturing weddings, and families while Berdaddy bonded with his baby girl. It wasn't always peaches and cream but we did it together, we did it as a family. And just as I was getting the hang of our new life and just as the dust was starting to settle in our new home, August came. And with it, Button turned one and one week later I was back to school. Our little cocoon time as a family was over. Now, I feel like an over scheduled pack mule schlepping around with school bags, diaper bags and photo bags. How did things change so quickly, it's as if we've been hit by a never ending tornado and yet we need to weather this storm.
With only one year left graduation is just around the corner. And despite all of the upheaval, it's my passion... I want Button to realize that it is important to follow your dreams, see things through and all those other wonderful ideals we all wish for our children. And I've been given an amazing opportunity to show her first hand that hard work pays off in the end, and that a little sacrifice is good for the soul. I've been given an amazing gift from my cousin to take Button while I'm in school. She has three young children of her own on a huge farm in the town between me and my school. And she is doing it out of the goodness of her heart. Button is with her for only a few hours each week as Berdaddy is able to go and get her shortly after I drop her off. So I know she is being well cared for, no doubt and many working mothers would jump at this opportunity. I am thankful, I am.
The problem is the whole idea of schlepping her around not having a set rhythm do to the demands of my assignments and work load. I hate not being with her all the time. I hate that she is rushed and hurried... I hate that I get frustrated with my lack of time to get assignments finished and get frustrated with her when she is being clingy. I have all these grand ideas of projects I want to get done around my house, activities I want to play with Button and so on...
The guilt is overwhelming at times. I don't know how I'm going to get through this year in one piece but, I can and I will.
I need to sit down and really listen to my inner voice and set priorities and take control of the time I do have with my baby girl. I need to enjoy my moments with her around the breakfast table and her sweet babbling when she chases the dog... and enjoy watching her 'talking' and rough housing with her cousins when I drop her off before heading off to class.
I also need to be forgiving of myself and stop letting the Mommy Guilt Monster beat me down.