Keeping Gentle

I had a great childhood and was lucky in many, many ways but there is much that I want to change for my child and for my (God willing) future children. My parents came from families of 11 and 8 and a generation that struggled to make ends meet. A time when putting food on the table for such families was a real struggle. My Mother grew up with a father who was loving but was also an alcoholic. Sadly many of his children, including my Mother struggled with addiction in their adult lives. My Father's mother came to this country when she was 6 months old. She and my Grandfather worked incredibly hard and built a family farm. Parenting back then had a completely different set of rules, as did society, so I refuse to place judgement on their choices but instead I hope to learn from them.

My parents made a huge effort to stop the cycle of violence and for that I am beyond thankful. I have amazing memories of growing up on a beautiful farm playing dress up on the prairie, ice skating on our pond, riding horses... living a dream childhood in many ways. I am so grateful for the many gifts I was given by my parents and now get to share with Button. I also remember my parents being angry and yelling. I remember being fearful of them at times... and I remember how much addiction ruled them. My Mom has been gone for a nearly 4 years. I miss her so much it hurts, she was my best friend. She never got to meet her granddaughter and now I'm left to forge this path of Motherhood on my own. I'm left wondering about her choices as a parent and I have so many questions for her that are left open ended. I wonder if I would ask her these questions if she were here or if it would be something I'd avoid so not to cause conflict.

I have promised myself that things would be different for my children and now as my daughter is nearing toddlerhood when emotions run high and my patience is tested at every step and every new skill, I wonder how exactly I will do this. How am I going to practice something that I have very little knowledge of? I've done so much reading on gentle parenting... and gosh does it speak to the very fibers of soul. This is the path I want to take in my journey as a mother and as a wife, friend, person. I want to be the gentle mother many you are. I've followed many of your blogs and am in complete awe of the gentle spirit that seems to come so naturally to you.

On my own I've found ways that help me keep centered. Prayer has helped me so much in moments of frustration the most. A few Hail Mary's really seem to bring things into perspective. But still, I can do better. I can be better! If anyone out in blog world is listening I'm all ears... How do you keep gentle?

Button's Birthday Preparation

Button will be turning 1 year in a month but being a photographer my free weekends are very limited so her birthday party will be this weekend. It's a joint first birthday party with her cousin. Of course I had big plans and ideas and of course we all got hit with a terrible cold the beginning of this week... and of course I find myself way, way behind schedule on said grand birthday plans.

We moved from our tiny home in the city to a much bigger space in a much smaller town in the country just one month ago. Maybe I was a little crazy to plan a party so soon after the move and right in the middle of my busiest time of year. But, I couldn't help myself, having space for family was most of the reason for our move to the county. This is the very first time since we've been married that we have been able to have my very large family over all at the same time. After all these years of mentally preparing for my turn to play hostess my chance is here.

Naturally, I am feeling the need for everything to be just so... and naturally, things are not as I've hoped them to be. The walls need painting, the rooms need decorating, the closets need organizing, my sewing projects are only half complete... yadda, yadda, yadda. I wonder if every women suffers in the plague that is the half completed list before hosting an event? I can't be alone, I just can't. Having all of these projects unfinished are going to make me and me alone a little frustrated. It's hard to not want everything to be perfect, I'm proud of our home and I want my family to feel welcome and love our new space as much as I do. Of course no matter what the state of things are my family will be happy for us in our new space, and happy for Button and won't glance at the empty walls and chipped paint. They won't look in my sewing cabinet to see the cut patterns and big unfinished ideas. Well at least, I hope they won't and for that I am grateful.

A year ago, I would have let these small things drive me up the wall but becoming a Mother has made me realize that this unfinished part of life is going to be my new reality and I could fight it tooth and nail and be miserable and make everyone else miserable in my wake or I could accept my new fate. Find joy in the process even if that means a half crossed off list. So for now I will leave you with a photo of my dress for Button finished and the dress I made for Star... half finished... my needle broke and wouldn't you know I can't find my last sewing box and need to go to town to get another...