Attack of the Mommy Guilt Monster

I never could have imagined how difficult it would be to become a mother... or should I say to become the mother I expect myself to be.  After two years of trying to become a mother I learned so much and had so many ideas on what I would do as a mother.  In many ways I'm so very grateful for that difficult period in my life as it gave me the time to find my path in the parenting world.  I learned about gentle parenting, about midwives and natural living.  God certainly had a plan for me and now I count myself as one lucky woman.

Then, I had my beautiful baby girl and I took a year off of school to be with my sweet angel.  In that year, we shared both laughs and tears together. We sold the home Berdaddy and I bought in the city and moved to our new and more spacious family home in a beautiful town in the country.  Our forever home, if you will.  I grew my photography business by leaps and bounds in that year, capturing weddings, and families while Berdaddy bonded with his baby girl. It wasn't always peaches and cream but we did it together, we did it as a family.  And just as I was getting the hang of our new life and just as the dust was starting to settle in our new home, August came.  And with it, Button turned one and one week later I was back to school.  Our little cocoon time as a family was over.  Now, I feel like an over scheduled pack mule schlepping around with school bags, diaper bags and photo bags.  How did things change so quickly, it's as if we've been hit by a never ending tornado and yet we need to weather this storm.

With only one year left graduation is just around the corner.  And despite all of the upheaval, it's my passion... I want Button to realize that it is important to follow your dreams, see things through and all those other wonderful ideals we all wish for our children.  And I've been given an amazing opportunity to show her first hand that hard work pays off in the end, and that a little sacrifice is good for the soul. I've been given an amazing gift from my cousin to take Button while I'm in school.  She has three young children of her own on a huge farm in the town between me and my school.  And she is doing it out of the goodness of her heart.  Button is with her for only a few hours each week as Berdaddy is able to go and get her shortly after I drop her off.  So I know she is being well cared for, no doubt and many working mothers would jump at this opportunity.  I am thankful, I am.

The problem is the whole idea of schlepping her around not having a set rhythm do to the demands of my assignments and work load.  I hate not being with her all the time.  I hate that she is rushed and hurried... I hate that I get frustrated with my lack of time to get assignments finished and get frustrated with her when she is being clingy.  I have all these grand ideas of projects I want to get done around my house, activities I want to play with Button and so on...

The guilt is overwhelming at times.  I don't know how I'm going to get through this year in one piece but, I can and I will.

I need to sit down and really listen to my inner voice and set priorities and take control of the time I do have with my baby girl.  I need to enjoy my moments with her around the breakfast table and her sweet babbling when she chases the dog... and enjoy watching her 'talking' and rough housing with her cousins when I drop her off before heading off to class. 

I also need to be forgiving of myself and stop letting the Mommy Guilt Monster beat me down.

Finding my rhythm - The notes from week 1

After a week of trying to navigate our daily lives I've compiled a good bit of notes.  Going into this, I didn't think we had much of a rhythm at all but I surprised even myself with the natural processes we have already established.  One big thing that wasn't surprising is that Button has a very wacky sleep schedule... much of it being my fault as we are have different plans and are bopping from here to there without regard for nap times.  I'm going to take a closer look at this in the coming week as I gather more information.  Anyway, I wanted to get these initial thoughts out of my head and into the land of blogs!

The big stuff
*Monday
-10:00 always go to Mom Group(topic of the week discussed)
-Sometimes head to lunch with other Mom's run errand's in town.
-Home around 3

*Tuesday
-Story time at 10:00

*Wednesday
-Story time at 10:00 (if I don't go on Tuesday)

*Thursday
-Day to stay home and clean

*Friday
-Visiting Day with family and friends

Morning routine:
-She wakes anywhere from 7am - 9:30am...   but mostly is up around 8am
-Change nappy
-Come downstairs... pour myself a cup of coffee... pop Button down by her toys and check work email for 10-15 mins.
-Button and I nibble on a bit of breakfast... (bagel and cream cheese, some Cheerios, or a zucchini muffin)
-Go outside with the pup, visit the tree, and welcome the new day
-Upstairs get new clothes and freshen up for the day

Evening routine:
-Berdaddy & I make dinner anywhere from 5:00 - 6:30
-Most evenings we take a family walk around town for at least 30 mins
-about 3 nights week Button gets a bath around 7:30pm
-stories in Button's room around 8
-nurse to sleep beginning at 8:30 - 9 depending on her level of sleepiness (takes about 20-30 mins for her to fall asleep)
-go downstairs and watch a show we DVR'ed, edit photo's or read
-If Button wakes up  I nurse her back to sleep each time until I'm ready to bring her to family bed around 10:30 or 11

This week I want to play with times that will work best for me to try to work, get general tasks down around the house and set up time for things that I want to do but never can... like craft, paint, organize...

My home, My rhythm

                                              

I've been reading and learning about the Waldorf Philosophy a lot lately, in fact I'm on my way to the library right now to pick up some books I've got on hold and to go to our weekly story group.  There is so much that I love about Waldorf and yet there are also parts that don't really fit with our family as well... so I'm going to cherry pick parts of it and try to apply it to my life style.

Rhythm is such a huge part of Waldorf and life in general... yet, I'm not a very rhythmic person by nature.  I'm a fly by the seat of my pants... where ever the wind takes me... jump first think later kind of gal.  At times this free spirited nature of mine has gotten me in sticky messes and yet other times it's been my saving grace.  It's the part of me that compliments Berdaddy in our relationship the most.  He's more of the responsible one who has to remind me of reality when I'm ready to book tickets to tim-buck-two.  I love this part of me, it brings me light...  I don't really want to change this very essence of my being and yet, I also adore the idea of creating a comforting rhythm for my beautiful Button.  I'm also so very drawn to the rhythm of the Catholic Church.  One thing is for sure I need more spirituality in my day to day life... I need more prayer and reflection.  As a work at home momma, my patience is always being tested.  I never get the quite of an office to get my work done.  And let me tell  you how incredibly frustrating it is to be interrupted time after time when I'm having a very creative moment and want nothing more than to finish a photo project.  And in my moments of frustration nothing brings me more peace than prayer.  I want Button to grow up knowing just what it means to practice her faith on a daily basis and in order for that to happen I need to start modeling for her right now.

She is nearly a year and we don't really have a set rhythm set in place for anything.  I just read her signals and go with the flow.  We don't sleep train and I nurse her on demand. So far things have gone well.  We have both enjoyed learning from each other, I'd like to think.  But now, as we are crawling up on her first year of life, I can't help but crave a bit of freedom for myself and just maybe a little structure wouldn't hurt to help get me some.

Now I just need to figure out how to get myself to find my own rhythm and try to somewhat have a spiritual flow to our life together, it's got to be organic in origin if this is going to have any chance at success.   Only 3 short years ago, I found myself getting confirmed to the faith that I had left to the wayside for a number of years.  And yet, it is so hard to stay devoted for me... such an ebb and flow...  I'm so very drawn to the rhythm of the Catholic Church and I'm hoping to push the too ideas together and create my very own system!  Strengthening my faith along with my family life.

My Plan of Action

*Take notes on my normal days for one week and see if I have a natural rhythm I can work off of.

*Make a list of important spiritual events I want to incorporate in our life, pray daily

*Work off of my calendar

*don't flake out

*be gentle with myself 

If anyone has suggestions on establishing this rhythm of mine, I'm all ears!  Wish me luck... I'll keep ya posted.